Hi guys, it’s David Ecklund from DavidEcklund.com and Resilient Legacy Expat Dad Coaching. Welcome back to the playroom, where we talk about relationships. Today, we’re revisiting the book Fight Right by the Gottmans, focusing on conflict and conflict styles.
What is Conflict and Why Is It Important?
So, what exactly is conflict? What purpose does it serve in our lives? The first thing to understand is that there are two types of conflict in relationships, and this is key: about two-thirds of the conflicts we experience are perpetual. In other words, they are unsolvable, and that’s perfectly okay. It’s important to come to terms with the fact that we’re different people.
Some individuals are particular about keeping things tidy, while others are more relaxed. The same applies to how we manage time, temperament, and so on. These differences mean that conflict will always be present, but it’s not about solving every issue. Instead, it’s about improving the quality of the conflict as a permanent part of any relationship.
Understanding Perpetual Conflict
Rather than trying to solve these unsolvable problems, conflict becomes a way to better understand one another. It helps us connect and discover each other’s needs and feelings, which in turn allows us to meet those needs more effectively. So, remember—two-thirds of the conflicts you face aren’t about fixing the issue but about navigating the moment with understanding and care.
Shifting Our View of Anger
Let’s talk about anger. If you’re like me, you might have always thought of anger as a negative emotion. However, it’s actually known as an approach emotion. Our basic motivational systems can be divided into two categories: moving away from something or moving towards something. Anger falls into the “towards” category because, when we express anger, we’re investing in the relationship instead of turning away.
For many of us, this can be a major mental shift—anger isn’t inherently bad; it’s challenging, but it’s not negative.
Maintaining Positivity in Relationships
Now, here’s an important balance to aim for: we need a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative experiences in our relationships in general, and a 5:1 ratio during conflicts themselves. Of course, I’m not asking you to literally count positives and negatives in your life, but this gives you a sense of the balance we’re aiming for.
The Four Horsemen of Conflict: What to Avoid
In the context of conflict, there are four key negative behaviors to avoid, which the Gottmans refer to as the Four Horsemen:
Criticism: This isn’t the same as a productive complaint. Criticism attacks your spouse’s core character or personality rather than focusing on the issue at hand. There’s no constructive way to criticize in this sense; it’s always damaging to the relationship.
Contempt: The number one predictor of divorce. Contempt shows up as eye-rolling, sarcasm, or dismissiveness. It’s deeply tied to feelings of disgust, which have deep biological roots in our psychology.
Defensiveness: This happens when you’re on the receiving end of criticism and respond by justifying yourself instead of listening. As we discussed in the last playroom video, during a conflict, you need to focus on understanding your wife’s perspective before presenting your own.
Stonewalling: This occurs when you shut down or disengage during conflict. Interestingly, studies show that men tend to get more alarmed during intense situations and remain in a heightened state of alarm longer than women. This has real consequences for how we handle conflict, often leading to stonewalling as a way to avoid further escalation.
Dealing with Overwhelm: The Concept of “Flooding”
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or “flooded”—as the Gottmans describe it—during a conflict, take a break. Let your wife know you need a specific amount of time – 20 minutes to 24 hours – to calm down, and then keep your word and come back to the conversation. If you’re still upset, it’s okay to take another break. This is key to avoiding stonewalling or flying off the handle.
Positive Strategies for Conflict
So, what can you do to bring positivity into a conflict? Here are some strategies:
Use humor or laughter, like sharing an inside joke, to break the tension
- Apologize
- Smile or nod to show understanding
- Use reassuring physical touch
- Validate something your wife said
- Emphasize what you have in common
- Own responsibility for your part in the issue
- Say things like “Good point” or “Fair enough”
- Recall past successes in handling conflict together
Wrapping Up: What’s Next
So, those are some ways you can inject positivity into conflict. A lot of these actions are things we naturally do—acknowledging the other person’s feelings, making sense of their perspective, or lightening the mood with a joke.
I think this video is getting a bit long, so let’s cut it here. In the next video, we’ll dive into conflict styles and how they play out in relationships.
Thanks for watching!