Hi, it’s David Ecklund from DavidEcklund.com. Welcome back to the playroom, where we talk about relationships. Today, we’re continuing our series on the book “Fight Right” by the Gottmans, focusing on conflict styles.
What Are Conflict Styles?
Think of conflict styles in the same way you might think about personality tests like Myers-Briggs, the Big Five (OCEAN), or the Enneagram. These styles are semi-permanent aspects of our character, but they focus specifically on how we handle conflict. Just as different personalities can be more or less successful in various areas of life, different conflict styles can be more or less effective in different situations.
You can also think of conflict styles like genres of music. Some people are great at jazz, while others excel at classical. Neither genre is better or worse—they’re just different approaches. The same goes for conflict styles.
The Three Conflict Styles
According to the Gottmans, there are three main conflict styles:
- Volatile
- Validator
- Avoidant
Each of these styles can work in a relationship, and there’s no “right” or “wrong” style. However, like we discussed in our last video, there are basic universals in conflict. You want to avoid the Four Horsemen of conflict—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. On the positive side, you want to aim for repair attempts: apologies, validation, humor, and reassuring touch, among others. The goal is to maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict and a 20:1 ratio in the relationship overall.
Let’s dive into each conflict style.
The Volatile Conflict Style
The volatile style is pretty self-explanatory. Think of a couple who argues intensely—fiercely debating, laughing intermittently, and then passionately making up. People with this style are very open and expressive. You won’t have to wonder how they feel because they’re laying it all out there.
The Validator Conflict Style
The validator is the stereotypical “rational” conflict style. These individuals are pragmatic, calmly working toward compromise. While this can seem like the ideal style, it has its downsides. Validators may not always get their emotions fully heard since they’re more focused on finding solutions than expressing their feelings. It’s effective but not perfect—it’s just one style.
The Avoidant Conflict Style
At the other end of the spectrum from volatile is the avoidant conflict style—like yours truly. Avoidants dislike conflict and prefer to minimize or avoid it altogether. For an avoidant, conflict feels like a burden, something to be avoided if at all possible. If it must happen, it’s seen as a necessary sacrifice.
How These Styles Handle Conflict
Now, let’s talk about how these styles approach conflict differently. For instance, we’ve discussed the concept of the softened startup—where the volatile person might start with something like, “I feel enraged about this situation, and I need you to fix it right now!” While passionate, it’s still a soft startup because they’re owning their emotions and not attacking the other person.
On the other hand, a validator might approach the same situation with something more strategic, like, “I’m really uncomfortable with our finances. How about I take the kids so you can handle this, or would you prefer I take care of it?” This is calm and solution-oriented.
Avoidants, on the other hand, often struggle just to initiate the conversation. The challenge isn’t starting harshly; it’s starting at all. An avoidant might have to push themselves to say, “I feel uneasy about this situation, and I need to talk about it.”
Positive Strategies for Conflict
So, what can you do to bring positivity into a conflict? Here are some strategies:
Use humor or laughter, like sharing an inside joke, to break the tension
- Apologize
- Smile or nod to show understanding
- Use reassuring physical touch
- Validate something your wife said
- Emphasize what you have in common
- Own responsibility for your part in the issue
- Say things like “Good point” or “Fair enough”
- Recall past successes in handling conflict together
Wrapping Up: What’s Next
So, those are some ways you can inject positivity into conflict. A lot of these actions are things we naturally do—acknowledging the other person’s feelings, making sense of their perspective, or lightening the mood with a joke.
I think this video is getting a bit long, so let’s cut it here. In the next video, we’ll dive into conflict styles and how they play out in relationships.
Thanks for watching!